brokenbuddha

another newly born
tucked under my chin
frog legged
dreaming

another newly born
snuffling in sleep
a little hand reaches
she won't remember

but i will

another newly born
scooped up
another memory tucked away
"she's beautiful"
i smile and say

behind that smile
the guilty wish
that frog legged dreamer
those reaching hands
that newly born

was mine

He handed me a sweet tea and I sipped it happily, grateful for the surprise treat. I caught him smiling sadly at me. "See, this is what makes me happy... Making you smile. You never smile anymore."

It broke my heart.

These past few weeks have just been so hellacious... Work, school, dropping IZ, a screw-up in my meds, the threat of losing my job... He says this will pass. He always says that. Right now I can't see past this moment. The fear that rises in my throat each morning when I remember what's going on. The panic, like a giant fist crushing my chest, when I walk into work and wonder what kind of harassment I'll suffer or if I'll even have a job by the day's end. The knowledge that I'm sick and I will be sick until I finally die. The fear of dying. The fear of what comes next.

I want to go back to smiling. I want to go back to knowing that (barring this speed bump) my life is more wonderful than I could have imagined it being five, ten, fifteen years ago.

"Maybe you should start writing again," he said.

Maybe I should. Maybe I am. And maybe I should go do some homework before I have to pack up and head back to school. The days are long, but somehow not long enough...

"I wake up scared,
I wake up strange,
I wake up wondering
If anything in my life is ever gonna change."
Barenaked Ladies

Ages ago, when I first heard that song, I claimed it as my own. I always felt out of place and alone and I wondered if I would ever find my way home. It was such a foreign concept: home. A place where I could be at peace, not only physically but within myself as well.

Now I'm there. All the suffering Years Ago Me went through was for a purpose. I became Me - strong, playful, full of life and joy and empathy. I have a husband who means the world to me and I see that reflected every day in the way he cares for me. We are building a beautiful home together, complete with furry children. The career path I've chosen is slowly becoming a reality. In other words, all of my dreams are coming true. I've come home.

I hear that song now and it makes me weep. Poor, strange child that I was. Always so awkward, always longing to belong. I wish I could go back in time and soothe away her fears and her pain. Then again, if I hadn't gone through all I did, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Remembering to honor the journey - I think that's what I need to recognize today.

Read through a lot of old entries over Christmas break. What the... who was that girl? Did that really happen to me?

An update on my life... TGG and I bought our first house a year ago last summer. We got married September 10th of this year. 7th House Birth Services is slowly becoming a real thing. I'm a doula, a lactation educator, a childbirth educator... I volunteer at a drug rehab center for women who have kids, or are about to become mothers. TGG and I have our three furry children: two cats, and over the summer we adopted a Pomeranian/Papillion doggy from a rescue.

Life is amazing. I worked hard to get here. I have good days and I have days where things aren't so great. I've been diagnosed with two auto-immune disorders but I don't let that stop me, obviously. The things that happened to me in the past don't cross my mind often - I keep myself so busy I don't have time to get bogged down in What Could Have Been.

If you're reading this, know I'm happy. I am. And I'm going to keep paying it forward and helping my community. This is what I'm meant to do and I'm going to keep doing it as long as I can.