brokenbuddha (brokenbuddha) wrote,

An Apology Never To Be Read

He handed me a sweet tea and I sipped it happily, grateful for the surprise treat. I caught him smiling sadly at me. "See, this is what makes me happy... Making you smile. You never smile anymore."

It broke my heart.

These past few weeks have just been so hellacious... Work, school, dropping IZ, a screw-up in my meds, the threat of losing my job... He says this will pass. He always says that. Right now I can't see past this moment. The fear that rises in my throat each morning when I remember what's going on. The panic, like a giant fist crushing my chest, when I walk into work and wonder what kind of harassment I'll suffer or if I'll even have a job by the day's end. The knowledge that I'm sick and I will be sick until I finally die. The fear of dying. The fear of what comes next.

I want to go back to smiling. I want to go back to knowing that (barring this speed bump) my life is more wonderful than I could have imagined it being five, ten, fifteen years ago.

"Maybe you should start writing again," he said.

Maybe I should. Maybe I am. And maybe I should go do some homework before I have to pack up and head back to school. The days are long, but somehow not long enough...
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